Yet how many of us have fallen into the trap of trying, over and over again, to make something work?

Whether it’s a relationship, a project, a job interview or even assembling flat-pack furniture, we fall back on the old proverb:

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.”

There are two problems here:

1. Going Slightly Mad
   They say that doing the same thing over and over again, whilst expecting different results, is the one of the first signs of insanity.
   For most of us, “try, try, try again” involves just that…
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2. “Trying” Gets Us Off The Hook
   When we use the word “try” - either out loud or in our heads - we’re giving ourselves unconscious permission to fail.

   Think about it:

   “I’ll try to get that done by Tuesday.” Will it happen?

   “I’ll try harder to get it right next time.” Will it be different?

What Not To Do
This isn’t the time to give up or admit defeat. Just because your current approach hasn’t been working doesn’t mean there isn’t one that will bring the results you’re hoping for.
It’s also not about focussing on what’s been going wrong or worrying about it. It has been said that worrying is just a great way of creating a future you don’t really want…

What You Can Do Instead
Do something different. If what you’re doing isn’t working, play with another approach. Look back to similar situations in the past where you have made it work and see whether there are ideas you could apply now.

Focus on on what you want instead, rather than where you are now. Start telling a different story. Breaking the cycle could turn things around.

And instead of the word “try“, how about more positive phrases like “I will…” or “I can…” or - if you’re not quite sure - “I hope…”

Above all, if you don’t think you can, you can’t and you won’t.

If it’s worth doing, then “trying” is less likely to get you there. How about rewriting the old proverb:

“If at first you don’t succeed, change what you’re doing.“

Bottom Line:
Instead of trying too hard, over and over again, how about tweaking your strategy and watching how fast you get to where you want to be going? Are you ready to feel happier, now?

But nobody teaches us how to have self-esteem, so how do we go about getting some?

Strengthening our sense of self-worth can often be a challenging journey. We’re trying to break habits we’ve been developing since our early years.

So, to help along the way, and hopefully provide some inspiration, here are 7 of my favourite musings on self-esteem.

“How you treat yourself is how others will treat you.“
If you don’t look after yourself, the outside world will spot it - and make assumptions about how you want to be treated. “Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you,” might make a good motto?

“No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent.“ Eleanor Roosevelt.
I throw this one back at myself, every time I catch myself grumbling about something someone else has said or done to upset me - and it works! It’s about taking back your personal power and accepting responsibility for how you feel.

“Only you can make the decision on how bad you’re going to feel.“
And while we’re on the topic of choosing how we feel, we’re the only ones who can decide how deep that trough goes!

“All criticism is borne of someone else’s pain.“ Native American saying.
If someone has a go at you, it’s because they’re hurting inside and don’t want to face it. Think about it, when we’re in a happy mood, full of sunshine and smiles, we don’t go around criticising others, do we? So that’s a great excuse not to take it personally…

“Don’t bother waiting for others to respect you.“
If you wait for others to respect you, you’ll have a long wait. People pick up a lack of self-respect just like a dog can sniff out fear. And it’s tough to earn others’ respect if you haven’t yet given it to yourself yet.

“Forgiveness is the key to feeling good.“
Holding on to resentment and anger keeps you trapped in the pattern of negative emotions that leaves you feeling bad. Forgiving the other person for their behaviour doesn’t mean letting them off. It’s about setting yourself free from the pain and moving on. And remember, the last one we get round to forgiving is ourself.

“Self-respect is about acting with integrity.“
It’s not about how you look, how clever you are or how great your job is. Self-respect is about being able to fall asleep at night with a clear conscience; knowing you have acted with integrity, kindness and compassion during your day; knowing you were true to who you really are.

What are your top tips and secret strategies for self-esteem? How about sharing them via the comments box, below?

One builds bridges.
The other builds fences.

Yet few of us are even aware of them.

And, to make things worse, most of us are building fences, without realising.

Is it time to break the habit and make sure your communication is building bridges, instead?

Let’s try it on for size:

“I really love your ideas, but we need to think about how we could make them work in practice.”
or…
“I really love your ideas and we need to think about how we could make them work in practice.”

Notice the difference? How did the two versions make you feel?

The difference is tiny - ‘and’ versus ‘but’.

What’s the problem with ‘but’?

A ‘but’ completely negates and undermines the first half of the message. It can leave us not trusting what was previously said.

‘But’ can leave the other person feel like you don’t value what they said and have, perhaps, even dismissed their opinion.

Also, we’re hard-wired to expect bad news after a ‘but’. We’ve all been there:

“Your presentation was great, but…”

“I really liked the main course, but…”

“You played that piece well, but…”

It’s as though we’re trained to expect (or just fear) criticism, once we hear the word ‘but’. So using it, innocently, when that’s not our intention can backfire. It instantly makes the listener defensive and - in the worst case scenario - can even make them switch off and stop hearing what we’re saying.

What can we do instead?
The easiest way to get out of the ‘but’ trap is to use the word ‘and’ instead.

Want to try it on for size?

“Your presentation was great and…”

“I really liked the main course and…”

“You played that piece well and…”

Notice how, after hearing ‘and’, we’re almost expecting more positive feedback? It completely changes the tone of the communication dance.

How about trying it out for a day, swapping ‘but’ for ‘and’? It won’t take long to notice how much more positive a response you get.

Warning: this simple change could dramatically improve your relationships!

Related posts:

1. 10 Happiness Secrets From A 4 Year-Old If you want to feel happier, sometimes it can be...

In fact, when it comes to manifesting, our job is simple. Just do the opposite of what most of us are doing!

Here are the 3 simple mistakes and what you can do instead.

1. Hanging on to what you’ve got
   It’s a basic fact of manifesting - Law Of Attraction - that the Universe needs a vacuum to fill. If you’ve already got too much stuff, it’s tough for more to enter your life. Similarly, if you’re so scared that you’ll run out, you can end up hoarding. Then you’re sending out the message of fear of lack and so you’ll be getting lack. It becomes a vicious circle.

   What can you do instead?
   
   Keep the energy flowing.
   Blocked or stagnant energy can completely prevent you from attracting new abundance into your life.

   Every time you get a chance, have a clear-out. Go through your closet and be ruthless, giving away EVERYTHING that you don’t wear any more or that doesn’t make you look great.

   Declutter your home. If you don’t seriously love having something around - no matter who gave it to you or how much it cost - give it to someone else who will love it. Otherwise you’re sending out the message big time that you’re happy to settle for being surrounded by stuff you don’t like. And guess what that will bring you more of…
   
   Get spending. Let your money flow. Have you been getting freaked out about money? Desperate to build up your savings, to the extent of putting off, say, essential repairs or doing jobs yourself that you’re not enjoying? Then you’re not only telling the Universe that you’re scared you won’t have enough money, but you’re also telling it you’re cutting back, so you need less. No one is saying you should be reckless, but it’s essential to be honest with yourself and see whether the emotion behind saving and holding onto stuff is fear-based.
   By creating the space, you’ll automatically attract more of what you really want.
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2. Trying To Stay In Control
   Trying to control how things come into your life - how your dreams become reality - is a great way to miss all of the open doors and really slow things down. If we’re too busy expecting things to be done our way, then we won’t spot the signs and will completely miss the sychronicities and signposts that the Universe has ligned up for us. It’s like programming your satellite navigation system but then ignoring every direction it’s giving you.

   What can you do instead?

   Get out of the way!
   Instead of making your job to ‘project manage’ how your dreams are manifested, make it your job to spot the signs along the route. Not only is this less stressful, it’s also faster and what comes your way will be bigger and better. You’re no longer restricting the Universe by insisting on ideas that your conscious mind has thought of.
   .

3. Not being clear about what you want
   So often we don’t get what we wanted because we didn’t hold a crystal clear vision of what it was we were asking for. It’s like a kid asking for a bike at Christmas and then being disappointed because it was a tricycle instead of a motorbike.

   What can you do instead?
   Be explicit about what you want. Choose it consciously, not by accident. And be aware of how you will feel when you get it - and feel that way now. It isn’t about saying your dream home has to have a pink front door and roses growing up the fence - though it might have these. Manifesting is about getting the essence of your desire. That’s why it’s so important to know what has motivated you to want something and experience what it will feel like, once you’ve got it.

   Otherwise you’re just being vague - and you’ll get pot luck results.

   Imagine you were going on holiday. You would make sure you knew where your destination was. If you were driving on the motorway, you would watch out for every sign that mentioned your destination, and follow those signs. And, even if you took the long way round, you would still get to where you wanted to go. You wouldn’t just set out, not sure where you were heading, and get distracted by every potentially interesting sign, asking yourself whether it might be taking you in the right direction : “Maybe that’ll take me where I want to go. I wonder where that might be?”

   Clarity and focus are essential for manifesting.

The 3 Golden Rules Of Manifesting

1. Let things flow - give up hoarding
2. Let the Universe show you the way
3. Be clear about what you want and stay focussed on that - and that alone.

And I was famous for how good my coffee was - freshly ground organic Colombian beans, brewed just right, with no one refusing a second mug.

It was safe to say I love the stuff.

Then, a few months ago, I decided to do something silly - give up coffee. Why? To see what would happen and whether giving up coffee would make me happier.

I expected the initial withdrawal symptoms - caffeine headaches and energy slumps, plus the usual detox symptoms. But after that I had hoped my energy levels would bounce back and I’d start feeling healthier, happier and generally better for being off the stuff.

The thing is that it didn’t quite work out that way!

I managed to avoid most of the detox symptoms by drinking lots of water and fresh juices, but the energy slump went on and on and the impact on my mood was unexpected.

I had read plenty of research that says caffeine (and other coffee ingredients) can be bad for your mood.

For me, it was the other way round.

Absence of coffee was bad for my mood.

The coffee cravings took a full 6 weeks to go - and I didn’t even cheat a teeny bit.

And for most of that time, I felt grumpy and miserable, because I was denying myself something I really loved.

“Go back on the coffee, then!” I hear you cry.

It’s not as simple as that. Coffee was an addiction for me. But my need for it wasn’t physical, it was psychological.

Coffee was tied into an emotional need - like a “badge of honour” whenever things were stressful.

The thing is, if we want to break a habit, it’s essential to look at why we had the habit in the first place, not just what the habit is.

We have to deal with the need that the habit was satisfying, otherwise we’re just entering into a battle of willpower. And, chances are, the need will resurface with a new addiction to a different substance or behaviour.

Once you have worked that out - and dealt with it - then the habit will naturally fall away. Then you’re free to choose.

And feeling free is the pivot point on your journey towards feeling happier.

The ante-natal classes just don’t do justice to that fact. They talk about lack of sleep, changing nappies and how to “burp” your baby, but rarely do they mention the highs and lows, the tough bits and the amazing bits of motherhood.

So, after a mere 4 years of being on this particular rollercoaster, here are 7 musings on motherhood - and how to feel happier while you’re at it!

1. “This, too, will pass”
   This became my mantra during the early phases of motherhood - particularly once the excitement of waking up at night for feeds and nappies had passed. Nothing stays the same unless you make it so. The 100% most important tool for enjoying being a mum is acceptance and trust that any tough phases will pass.
2. You Can Do It!
   If we’re learning a new sport, musical instrument or other skill, we often get ourselves a coach or teacher, to show us the short-cuts and keep us motivated. But we jump into life’s biggest lesson with little or no preparation or schooling. Remember: we’re never presented with a challenge we can’t handle, no matter what it feels like at the time. Like Ivor The Engine, just keep telling yourself, “I can do it!” and you’ll get to the top of the hill. You truly are a superstar
3. Celebrate Your Achievements
   As a mum, you’ll be constantly having to learn new ways of communicating with your family - and motivating them. Then, whenever we hit on something that works, the game rules seem to change. Rather than getting down-hearted, celebrate your achievements and know how flexible you can be.
4. Remember Who You Are
   A common problem I see with coaching clients - and myself - is that it’s easy to get “lost” in the role of being a mum and forget who we really are. It’s essential to prioritise time for doing the things you love - and spending time with people who help you be you, rather than “just mum”.
5. It’s Ok To Laugh And Cry
   Being a mum can be full of emotional extremes. One moment you can be feeling frustrated, like you want to scream and cry. The next you can have tears of joy rolling down your face. And that’s ok. Going with the emotions is essential for long-term emotional health.
6. There’s No Right Or Wrong
   Just because the latest expert / your best friend / the doctor tells you how to do something, if it doesn’t feel right for you, then it’s not. That doesn’t make them wrong - it just isn’t working for you. Trusting your intuition is one of the most important skills to develop, if you’re going to stay sane. Your square peg child will not fit in that round peg hole, no matter how hard you try!
7. To really handle the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood, there’s a useful 3-point strategy you could employ: NAG
   It stands for:
   Nurture = Nurture Yourself - as the ancient Chinese used to say, “the general drinks from the well, before leading his army.” If you’re at burn-out, you’re not going to enjoy life much.
   Ask = Ask For Help - You’re not alone. No matter what your life situation, there will be someone around who could help. Don’t let your pride get in the way. Calling for help when you need it is something your children will thank you for - eventually!
   Gift = Look For The Gift - our children teach us more than we could ever teach them. If we approach even the most challenging phases with an attitude of looking for the gift in the experience, then it’s easier to be more patient and loving.

Calling all mothers! If you have tips for coping with the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood, please share them via the comments box below.

Thank you, superstars!

How many times have we done it?

We all know that sinking feeling, as we realise we’ve said the wrong thing - really “put our foot in it”. And as for how we feel afterwards…

You know the kind of conversation.

Talking to a work colleague in a hotel at a conference, you comment that it would be a great place to bring a family for a holiday. “As I told you yesterday, my wife and kids left me last month.”

In a bar, chatting with friends, you complain - again - about having to get up at 6 to go to work. “Actually, five of my team are being made redundant this week and I have to tell them the news.”

Bumping into a friend you haven’t seen for a while, you ask her when the baby is due. “What do you mean? I’m not pregnant!“

Whether we say the wrong thing on a major scale or it’s just a minor slip-up, it’s easy to do. Sometimes it’s because something has happened to the other person that we couldn’t possibly know about. Sometimes it’s because we’re not concentrating on what they’re saying. Sometimes it’s just ‘bad luck’.

Whatever the reason, we want to cringe and disappear, full of embarrassment and even guilt. It can lead to us avoiding the other person - who hasn’t even done anything wrong. This can leave them feeling potentially confused and hurt.

How You Could Handle It Differently

At the time:

S - A - M

Stop
Stop talking. Even if you’re mid-sentence.

Admit
Admit your faux pas. “Sorry. I put my foot in it. I didn’t mean to offend…” You’ll know the words that work for you.

Move On
Move on. You’ve apologised. It was an accident. It’s up to them how they choose to respond and you dwelling on it will only make things worse.

After the event:

1. If it’s appropriate, go back and do S-A-M.
2. If not, the do it in your head! Run a conversation with the other person where you say sorry and ask them to forgive you. Then move on. It doesn’t matter that the conversation didn’t really take place, it will still help.
3. Learn from it, so you don’t repeat history. Then let it go. There’s no point in holding onto guilt and embarrassment. It doesn’t help anybody.
4. Most importantly: don’t go around telling everyone about it… Yes, it makes a great story, but that just leaves you stuck where you are. And if the other person hears the story through the grapevine, you’ll be causing them that pain, all over again.

Bottom Line: If you want to feel happier in life, it’s important to learn from mistakes and then let go of them. Saying sorry goes a long way towards making things better, but forgiving yourself - letting yourself off the hook - is an essential step towards feeling happier, too.

The thing about karma…

“Bad karma” is out of your hands.

People believe it can only be released under rare circumstances. Unless that happens, there’s nothing we can do about it, apart from accept it as part of our fate.

Depending on your belief system, karma might be released by performing certain ceremonies and rituals, by visiting a priest or by intercession of the Lords of Karma - if at all.

We often feel a “victim” of our karma. People often use karma as an excuse for not being successful or getting what they want.

Whereas…

Working with the Law Of Attraction

The thing about Law Of Attraction…

The fundamental principle of the Law Of Attraction is that we each create our individual experiences of life. We are 100% responsible for how we respond and what we draw towards us.

With the Law Of Attraction, you are constantly able to change and influence the “contents” of your energy field (what’s “lined up” for you), simply by changing your thought patterns and emotions - your vibration.

So if something is coming up that you don’t want to experience, then you’re in the driving seat and can choose - at any moment - to create and respond differently.

What are your views? What’s the difference between Law Of Attraction and Karma? Which school of thought works better for you? Please share your thoughts via the comments box, below.

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Welcome to April’s Inspirations!

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The aim of Spread A Smile Day on April 9th was to spread as many smiles across the globe as possible.
Did you get involved? How many people did you smile at? Did you get many smiles back?!

Don’t worry if you missed out this year - there’s no need to wait for next year’s event to get smiling at people again

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What does a 4 year-old have to teach us “grown-ups” about how to feel happier?

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We all know the feeling: after a great weekend, the alarm goes off and realisation dawns: it’s Monday morning. Again.

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One of the most common reactions when we’re feeling down is to reach for something to eat.

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We all know the feeling: after a great weekend, the alarm goes off and realisation dawns: it’s Monday morning. Again.

For many of us, it can trigger a sinking feeling of dread, as we take a deep breath and dive into another week.

Do you get the Monday Morning Blues?

It can go on for years, feeling stuck in a rut and unable to change anything.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Here are 7 survival tips to help you beat the Monday Morning Blues.

Tip 1: Get specific
Rather than indulging in an open-ended rant about how awful Monday mornings are, it helps to get specific. What exactly is it you’re not enjoying?
Don’t be tempted to generalise - that leads to the proverbial mountain from a molehill. Being clear about specifically what is bugging you will reduce the problem to a more manageable size.

Tip 2: Time for wisdom
Remember the old saying:
“Grant me the patience to accept the things I cannot change…
… the courage to change the things I can…
… and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Tip 3: It’s up to you…
It’s up to you how much you make out of the Monday Morning Blues. Basically, if you can change things, then get active and do something about them. If you can’t, then you can always change how you choose to respond. Rather than getting wound up, stressed and frustrated, pick a different emotion - one that feels better. It’ll lift your week and that’s a promise.

Tip 4: Say No
Many of us end up with the Monday Morning Blues because we’re feeling overworked and undervalued. What would it take to say “no” every now and then? Not aggressively, but firmly and with compassion. How much could that change things for you?

Tip 5: Tell a new story
Do you need to tell a different story? It can be tempting to indulge in Monday Morning Whinging, but it’ll make you feel worse. Just don’t go there. How about having a Monday Morning Rule: if you can’t say something positive, say nothing?!!!

Tip 6: Don’t ignore it
If Monday Morning Blues are a big issue for you, then there’s a reason for it. Ignoring them just keeps you locked in the Groundhog Day cycle. Negative emotions can be an early warning sign that you need to make changes - either in your life or in your response to it. Is there a tiny change you could make today that would help next Monday morning?

Tip 7: Say thank you
No matter how bad our Monday Morning Blues might be, there are always good things going on in our lives. How about looking for the positives and focussing on the things you enjoy about your Monday? It’s a sure-fire way to turn your Monday around and feel happier, fast.

What are your top tips for beating the Monday Morning Blues? We’d love to hear them - please share via the comments box!